Priorities

It will not matter in 100 years what sort of house you lived in, what kind of car you drove or how much money you had in the bank.  But how much time you invested in the life of a child.

Anywho, I got to thinking about that and it really touched my heart this time.  I mean, as I said, Ihave read it before but it never really sunk in till today.  I guess because financially it is and has been always a rough road for me in my life.  So I tend to 'hang on' to things and want more and stuff.  I am frugal, do not get me wrong but I will save for a year to redo a room and obsess over things like that.  I want to redo the 3rd bedroom for Shekinah and finish the garage so I can put the school room and puter out there.  Repaint and redo my kitchen.  Update the bathroom, and I forget about what is most important.  With all this illness going on with me and feeling like a stinking hypocondriac (sp) it is hard to just get out and do something with them.  We are always at home.  **sigh**

Plus, my spiritual life , if that is what you want to call it...I dunno WHAT is holding me back.  I guess I am just feeling guilt and condemnation which is NOT of God, I KNOW that but somehow, I cannot overcome it.  I feel like I have to fix my problems and my sin and then I will be ok to ask the Lord for soemthing.  I can pray for others but definitely not myself and you know what?  MYSELF is what NEEDS a good talk with Jesus right about now. 

I do not get real introspective in 'public' very much...so this is hard for me and I usually seem pretty superficial.  I am actually a very deep person but I hide behind being funny and being silly I suppose.  I think some of this comes with my perspecive of myself and low self esteem.  Oh well.  I hope to get over all this soon.  I think mayhap I am just too tired to care anymore.  And that scares the bejeebers out of me.  It says in the Bible that in the last days, people will fall away and grow cold and believe a lie.  Am I one of those?  Oh Lord, please NO!  I know He would rather I be hot or cold but not lukewarm.  That makes Him ill as per the Word also.  So I guess in my mind I also think, well, rather than be lukewarm, I will be cold so He will not totally forget me.  I will work on myself till I get hot then come back.  Stupid me!  I KNOW that only HE can help me GET hot!  What am I thinking?  What am I doing?  What am I waiting on?  Someone tell me for I have no idea.  Am I too lazy?  Lacking in commitment...mayhap that is it too?  I have went 'back to the Lord' several times and feel like that is just a smack in the face and crucifying Him all over again if I go and fail again.  Let your yea be yea and your nay be nay He says.

To those of you who may venture here and read this...do not let this sway you from becoming a Christian.  This is me talking here.  Dont look at me.  I will let you down every time.  Dont look at others and think, "That is why I am not a Christian...they are all sad and hypocrites."  Yup!  You are right!  We are!  That is why we serve Him.  So He can help us NOT to be!!!!!  If I was where I was supposed to be in Christ, I would not be suffering so.  **sigh**  Anywho, my point, don't look around and make your descision to NOT serve Christ because of us other Christians.  We will let you down each and every time.  BUT...HE will NOT.  He will never let you down.  I guarantee it.